


My Immortal (Always...)

by KnightOfDestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Feels, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Porn With Plot, Sad Ending, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 07, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:22:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5262194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightOfDestiel/pseuds/KnightOfDestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wondered somewhere, in the darkest corners of his mind if Cas could hear him now. That he was somehow accidentally praying to him, projecting all his twisted, selfish thoughts that he could never admit out loud. That Cas would show up with all his holy wrath, that he would leave him in disgust. </p><p>That he would never come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Immortal (Always...)

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY FIC, WHAT IS HAPPENING.
> 
> This was literally supposed to be a fluff/porn oneshot, I am so ashamed. The angst has gotten to me.
> 
> So, first attempt at writing full smut, how did I do?
> 
> A big thank you to everyone who leaves comments and kudos, I break into a huge smile every time I see a notification for them!

'' _I'm hunted, I've rebelled. I did it, all of it, for you.''_

* * *

''So get this...''

Dean internally groaned as his brother started off talking about another potential case with those same three words, the exact same thing he had done since he was old enough to start hunting.

Every. Single. Time. Hell, it was practically his catch phrase by now. But still, Dean couldn't help but be comforted by it. It was familiar, a solace even. In a world where Eve or Raphael or any of those evil sons of bitches could strike at any given moment, it was nice to have at least one constant in his life.

Even if it was Sam's annoying ass tendencies.

''...eyes burned out of their skulls,''Dean picked out from Sam's ranting, head snapping up. Eyes burned out could only mean one thing. _Angels._

''...call Cas...''That was another thing that caught Dean's immediate attention. Though where the news of yet another angel killing had filled him with anger and even the slightest fear, the mention of Cas filled Dean with... _what exactly?_

''-if you wanted to pray to him...Dean? _DEAN.''_ Snapping himself out of his thoughts, he glanced up as innocently as possible at his baby brother.

''Were you even listening?"Sam snapped.

''Yeah, angel killings blah blah blah. But should we really call Cas? I mean, the dude's pretty busy with all his Heaven business and shit. And most of the time he doesn't even answer.''

''He answers you,''Sam said pointedly, with a suspicious knowing look in his eyes that made Dean twitch and break their eye contact.

''Yeah, well profound bond and all that jazz,''he mumbled under his breath, desperately hoping that he didn't look half as embarrassed as he felt. By Sam's expression, he obviously did.

Desperate to get the subject off his...situation with Cas, he cleared his throat. ''Hey Cas, so we've got a case and the victim's eyes were burned out, so we're thinking-''

''Angel kill.''A new voice cut in, gravelly and _really fucking hot._

''Hello, Dean,''Castiel greeted.

* * *

''Raphael needs power!" The angel-Jophiel snarled out, the menacing flames of the holy fire that surrounded him lapping around his vessel's body.

''So he's sending angels to kill people and use their souls?"Castiel demanded, all righteousness and holy wrath. The steady charge of light the flames gave off illuminated the angel, casting menacing shadows over his face. It was at times like these, when Cas's inner Warrior Of God shone through, that made him the most beautiful in Dean's eyes.

And the most terrifying.

He must have momentarily zoned out, because the next thing he hears is Jophiel's voice rising over the roar of the fire. ''-back to us. Can't you see, these humans have _ruined_ you! You fall further and further from God every time you're with them. _Kill them,_ and you can come back to Heaven. Back _home.''_

Four agonizing seconds. Four complete moments of silence, other than the snarl of the blaze of holy fire and Dean's racing heartbeat that crashed in his ears. No one moved. Across the room, Sam sat,stiff with an angel blade in hand, ready to fight if necessary. Finally, Cas took a step forward, then another. Then another. With a swift flick of his hand, the flames were extinguished, leaving everyone in the room gaping.

Then an angel blade thrust into Jophiel's chest. Cas's(no, this was Castiel) features were contorted in fury, an expression Dean had never seen Cas wear before.

''Fuck you,''Castiel hissed in the angel's ear as he flickered a dying blue, before letting the now-empty vessel drop to the ground. The next moment, both him and the body had disappeared, leaving Dean staring at the spot where the angel had stood, appalled and afraid.

Afraid because everything that the angel said was true.

* * *

Cas never returned to the motel. Sam and Dean hadn't had to clean up much, Cas had obviously dealt with the body and the flames had already been put out. They hadn't spoken much on the ride back, only when Sam asked Dean if he wanted anything to eat, which Dean had simply shook his head in decline.

They had gathered their gear from the trunk and lugged into their room, dumping it on the bed before Dean crashed down beside it. Though he and Sam hadn't done much of the heavy-lifting during this hunt, Dean ached all over. Specifically, his heart.

_Where are you, Cas?_

''Are you okay?''Sam's quiet voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

''What?"Dean muttered, turning away from his brother so he couldn't see his hurt expression.

Sam sighed. He knew that Dean didn't want to talk about him right now, but still. Why couldn't his brother see what him and everyone else who had spent less than five minutes in the presence could? He attempted to carefully choose his words, trying to find a way to say what his brother _needed_ to understand. They never came. Instead, he said,''...he's coming back. You know that, right?"

Dean swallowed the lump that had been growing in his throat. ''I don't know what you're talking about.''

''Dean,''Sam said, exasperatedly. But it was obvious that his big brother had already shut him out. Realizing that he had already lost this fight before it began, he exhaled loudly before standing up and grabbing the keys to the Impala off of the counter. ''I'm going out. You want anything?''

He didn't get a reply.

* * *

Dean lay there for a long, long time. He kept replaying different moments, over and over in his head. What Sam said to him. Cas back with the other angel. _Fuck you_.

That was the first time Dean had ever heard the angel swear. There's got to be a holy law up in Heaven or something, that prevented angels from blaspheming. Because something that made Dean that hot under the collar _should not_ be allowed.

But yet, he wasn't aroused right now. No, he was sad.

Sad because Cas hadn't yet returned. Because what Jophiel had said was true. And because for one horrifying moment, Dean had thought Cas had realized it too.

He let out a bitter laugh at how _selfish_ he was. That he wanted, that he _needed_ Cas to stay with him, that he'd let the angel lose everything he had ever known. Don't get him wrong, he longed to yell in Cas's face that they, that _he_ was ruining him, _killing him_ and that he should fly away while he still had the chance. But he couldn't.

He couldn't _bare_ it if the angel ever decided to leave them and go back home. Hell,even if he didn't talk to him in a few days, Dean was an emotional wreck.

He wondered somewhere, in the darkest corners of his mind if Cas could hear him now. That he was somehow accidentally praying to him, projecting all his twisted, selfish thoughts that he could never admit out loud. That Cas would show up with all his holy wrath, that he would leave him in disgust.

That he would never come back.

Dean was crying.

 _Stop it,_ Dean snapped at himself. _You don't get to cry, you don't deserve it._

He needed to take his mind off of this _now._

Recalling today's earlier events, Cas's _fuck you_ sent pleasurable chills up his spine, before heading southward. Feeling sick of _feeling,_ of being guilty all the time, Dean pushed down all his emotions, only focusing on one. _Lust._

Kicking off his pants and boxers before he could let his guilt come back to bite him in the ass, Dean took himself in one hand, relishing in the pain-pleasure of the dry friction. He flicked his thumb over the head of his dick, already half-hard, choking out a strangled moan that he desperately tried to muffle before continuing the up-and-down motion. His dick now stood full-mast, flushed a deep red as he rapidly dealt with himself.

He shut his eyes, picturing that it was Cas that was doing this to him. He yearned to cry out his name, but he could not risk the angel mistaking it as a prayer. He'd have some serious explaining to do then. But half of him was tempted to do it, wanting Cas to show up, to pin him down to the mattress, to capture his lips in a heated kiss, all possessiveness and power as he sank into in. Not being able to supress yet another moan of pleasure, Dean came in white spurts all over his stomach, with an angel's name on his lips.

* * *

The next time the angel showed up, it was days after the...incident and Dean couldn't bare to look him in the eyes. Too much pain. Too much guilt. Too much wanting. After giving into his desires, Dean hadn't let himself even think about the angel. He felt disgusted at himself, for _everything._ For wanting Cas to stay down with him, which would end with him losing his family and home _,_ for jerking off to _angel,_ for letting himself imagine for a _second_ if he actually could have Cas to himself.

Cas notices. When the angel spoke directly to him, Dean would either nod or shake his head, or mumble an answer under his breath that was very comprehendable. Sam had confronted him about it, but quickly gave up, snapping at Dean for being 'so _childish.'_

If only Sam knew.

''..Dean, have I done something to upset you?"Cas asks after Sam shuts the door, heading out to the Impala to grab their bags.

Dean swallows, looks away. ''What're you talking about?''

He could feel the angel's gaze on him like twin lazer beams hitting the back of his head. ''There you go again, you won't even look at me!''

''Don't know what you're talking about,''Dean mutters, giving a start as the angel grabs his wrist, forcing him to turn around and face him. He rips his hand out of his grasp, trying not to flinch at the hurt that momentarily crossed Cas's features. _No, you shouldn't care that I don't care!_

Oh, but he did.

'' _Dean,''_ Castiel huffed out in anger as he continued to avoid his eyes. ''Alright, fine then. You know, I don't know what's wrong with you, or why you won't look at me anymore, but if I've done something to anger or upset, I at least deserve to know!"When Dean still remained silent, the angel's eyes hardened like blue steel. ''Fine. Good bye, Dean.''

Sam burst into the room just as the angel disappeared.

Dean jerked off twice that night to visions of dirty whispers and blue eyes that haunted his sleep.

* * *

Cas hadn't shown up in over two weeks.

By now Sam was definitely getting worried. Dean had taken up his habit of alcoholism, yet again. Any other time when they weren't on a hunt he was drinking straight from the bottle, and sometimes that didn't even stop him. Sam had tried talking to him, but he was either snapped at or just completely ignored. It had taken him a while to realize what was bothering his elder brother, a hunt gone wrong or something like that, but Sam couldn't think of anything that could have unsettled him.

That left only one last possibilty.

Sam glanced uneasily across the room at his big brother, seated in an uncomfortable looking chair, throwing back a glass of whiskey like it was water. He had been deciding for weeks whether or not his should bring up their AWOL angel friend, or _friend,_ in Dean's case. Logically, he knew that he would more than likely be yelled at, but after much contemplation, he thought _fuck it._

''So,''Sam started carefully, making sure he caught Dean's attention. His elder brother glanced up from his glass, green eyes sharp and narrowed with the slightest suspision. Sam didn't blame him. These past few weeks they'd barely spoken at all, unless they were on a hunt or attempting to make small talk so the dead silence wasn't as awkward.

''You spoken to Cas lately?" Dean stiffened immediately, grabbing the bottle from the table and poured himself another drink to the brim of the glass. Other than that, he didn't respond.

Sam, rapidly losing his patience, snapped. ''Alright, what the hell is going on with you guys? Because the moment he left you've been a, well, a _fucking mess,_ Dean. Did you guys get into a fight or something, because-''

'' _No.''_ Sam was surprised to here Dean's voice cut him off. He was directly facing him now, eyes flashing with anger. ''We didn't get into a fight, _Sam._ Maybe Cas has finally realized that we're no good for him. Hell, maybe he's gone for good. He'd be smart to. At least one of us will get out alive.'' He slammed his glass down onto the table. ''Now, are you leaving? Because if you're not, I will.'' When Sam made no move to get up from where he was seated on the bed, Dean stood, grabbing his leather jacket off the coat hanger and rummaging through his pockets for the keys to the Impala.

''Good talk.''

* * *

Dean had already made it half-way to the Impala when he grudgingly realized that he was obviously in no shape to be driving. That was the last thing he needed, getting arrested for drunk driving.

He made his way to the front desk of the hotel. It was a bit more upscale than what they were used to, and reasonably priced. He slapped a wad of cash down on the counter, barking at the worker. ''How much for a single?''

''$40,''the girl working the desk answered boredly, barely looking up from her phone. Dean handed her the bills, giving a short nod of thanks when she handed him his room key. It was on the opposite side of the hotel from Sam, thank god.

After unlocking his room and flopping down on the bed, he realized that he hadn't bothered to grab his stuff that was still in Sam's room. Not that he was planning to go talk to his little brother for a while. He'd have to do without it.

''You spoken to Cas lately?''

Dean chuckled humorlessly. '' I wish.''

Cas.

Fuck, he missed him. He hated that he missed him. He didn't deserve to miss him.

Almost unconciously he found himself reaching for his belt. Wasn't that what he did now? Jerk off to his runaway angel with his own tears as lube?

Shucking off his pants and boxers, he quickly spat into his own palm before taking himself in his palm. He was almost fully hard now as he thrust into his own hand, choking on a moan. As he continued his minstrations, his other hand began to travel lower, grazing briefly over his balls before gently rubbing over his entrance. Pausing, he took one of his fingers in his mouth, momentarily wishing he had grabbed the lube before he stormed out. Oh well, it wasn't as if a little pain would bother him anyways.

Sastisfied that it would be enough lubrication, Dean removed his finger in his mouth, returning it to his entrance before slowly pressing in. Not bothering to muffle his noises, he gasped at the feel of being filled after so long. It didn't hurt, persay, but it would have been much easier if he had proper lube. He took a moment for himself to get used to the slight stretching feeling, idly ghosting his thumb over his slit before deciding to add another finger.

He bit his lip at the dry burn of it, slowly pressing in until he reached the first knuckle, releasing a gasp. He gave an experimental buck forward onto his fingers, pretending that it was Cas's fingers, not his. Dick almost completely forgotten, he gave a sharp cry of pleasure as he brushed against his prostate for the first time.

'' _Cas!"_

Rubbing his fingers once again against the bundle of nerves, his eyes drifted shut as he let out a series of rather blasphemous words. ''C- _Cas, please...''_

''Dean?"

* * *

Shit.

Dean's eyes shot open in horror. There, the angel stood, trench coat and all, eyes blown black from... Well if Dean didn't know better, he'd say _lust._

 _''Cas!_ I-'' He was abruptly cut off as the angel pressed a finger against his lips, effectively silencing him.

'' _Let me,''_ Cas whispered. ''Dean..''

'' _Yes. Fuck yes.''_ Cas slowly settled on top of Dean's naked form, almost hesitantly as to give Dean an out if he changed his mind. He'd have never dreamed of it.

Lips tentatively pressed against each other, no more than a gentle press before slowly lapping at the seam of Dean's mouth, which he eagerly obliged. A third finger slowly joined the two in his hole that Dean had briefly forgotten were still there, slicked with angel mojo. He gasped at the intrusion, bucking his hips up, trying to get those wonderful fingers even deeper.

''Cas, _please.''_ Dean choked out, momentarily breaking their heated kiss.

The angel smirked, honest to god _smirked. ''_ Please what?"

Dean couldn't help the desperate whine that escaped his throat. '' _Fuck me.''_

''As you wish.'' Gently removing both his and Dean's fingers, he quickly shoved off his trench coat and overcoat and unbuckled his pants before kicking them off, leaving him naked from the waist down. Dean hurredly scrambled into position on all fours, ass in the air on display for Cas. Castiel settled behind him, caught up in the gorgeous sight before Dean let out a needy moan.

''So impatient,''Cas murmured, running his fingers down the cleft of Dean's ass, dipping in to gently rub over his hole. Dean bucked backwards, desperate to get Cas inside him. Slicking himself up once again with his angel mojo, the angel began to slowly press in inch by inch.

Dean let out a loud groan at the stretch, fisting the sheets tightly in his grasp as Cas finally bottomed out. He stilled for a moment, letting Dean get accustomed to the larger intrusion. Dean let out a indignant huff, bucking his hips backwards. ''M' not gonna break, Cas. Come on. _Fuck me like you mean it.''_

Cas let out a low growl of sorts, grinding his hips against Dean's ass but otherwise still not moving. ''Really, Dean? Is that what you want?" With that, he abruptly snapped his hips forward, causing Dean to let out a startled cry. He started up a harsh rythym, though was careful actually not to hurt Dean. That was the last thing on Earth he'd ever want to do.

''F- _fuck, Cas!''_ Dean cried out as Cas suddenly brushed across his prostate for the first time, thrusting his hips back to meet him, anything to get him deeper. For him to do him harder. Cas let out a practically feral growl next to his ear, giving the lobe a sharp nip that was on the right side of pain before sucking a deep red mark into the side of Dean's neck. He thrust forward particularly hard, making Dean's elbows almost give out, hipbones surely leaving bruises on his ass. The very thought of it, of Cas marking him, claiming him as his forced out another embarrassingly loud moan that Dean tried to muffle by shoving his face into his pillow.

Cas wasn't having any of that.

Grabbing a fistful of Dean's hair where it was longest, he yanked his head back as he continued to drive into him, whispering absolute filth in his ear.

'' _Don't_ \- I want to hear you, Dean. All those pretty little noises that you make. You're so _beautiful._ Absolutely gorgeous.'' Dean answered with another heated groan, cheeks flushing at the angel's words. The words _no I'm not_ danced on the tip of his tongue, but he was cut off by a sharp cry of pleasure as Castiel took his weeping erection in hand, pumping perfectly in sync with his thrusts. He was close, _so close..._

Cas flicked his thumb across his slit once, twice, then it was over. Dean came in heavy white spurts all over the sheets with a loud cry of ecstacy. Castiel followed soon after after a couple more thrusts, emptying himself inside of Dean with a possessive snarl that Dean _fucking loved._

Castiel carefully slipped out, letting Dean collapse in exhaustion onto the mattress before standing up to get dressed. This caught Dean's attention.

''You're leaving?" he asked, hoping that the hurt didn't show through on his expression.

The angel sighed, doing up his belt. ''I have to. I have a war to get back to, after all. Raphael grows stronger everyday and someone has to stop him.''

Dean remained silent as Cas finished getting re-dressed and was prepared to leave. Just as he was about to disappear back to Heaven, he gave Dean a soft kiss on the lips. ''I heard your thoughts. About what Jophiel said.'' Dean opened his mouth to interject, to deny, but Cas continued. ''You are, and always will be my charge. And that I will _always_ come back to you, Dean.'' And then, he was gone.

* * *

Dean clutches the still-damp trench coat in his hands, stained black and red with blood and god knows what. He didn't bother to wipe away the stream of tears that trailed down his cheeks as he started out at the vacant lake where Cas had vanished for the last time.

_Always._

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comment or leave kudos if you want!
> 
> My birthday is coming up next week so I may post something for it, we'll have to see :)


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